If I Were Any Better I’d…

An Evansville, Indiana, listener says she responds to the question “how are you?” with a phrase she adopted from her grandmother: “If I was any better, I’d be twins.” There are several versions along these lines: “If I was any better, I’d be you.” “If I was any better, there’d be two of me.” “If I were any better, I’d be dangerous.” “If I were any better, vitamins would be taking me.” In all of these jokey responses, the meaning is straightforward. It’s simply that the speaker is doing very well indeed. This is part of a complete episode.